Dealing with Jealousy

One especially important mechanism to overcoming jealousy in swinging situations, is individuation. Couples who participate in swinging typically treat individuals as individuals rather than as a social category, including their spouses. Each person is seen as a unique individual. This decreases jealousy by stressing the basic nature of people. In the individuation process, attitudes and behavior are modified, and swinging couples report, rather consistently, that they communicate better than they did before swinging, and treat each other much more as individuals. They say that swinging has recreated romantic feelings they once had for each other — expressed concretely in an increase in both sexual satisfaction and frequency of sexual intercourse. This is especially experienced by older couples.

There are two primary stages in swinging. In the first, the curiosity stage, a couple learns how to behave and swing with others. While many females are rather reluctant to get involved in swinging, once they do, they accept initial experiences more successfully than males. Women are generally either enthusiastic converts or completely turned off by the experience. Generally, swingers are relatively nonselective when they first become involved. Following the curiosity stage, there is relative selectivity, characterized by increasing individuation of self and others.

Reasons for Swinging

It is generally felt that you can divide swingers into those who participate for recreational and those who participate for utopian reasons. Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like bowling, playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of communitarianism and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life with their fellow participants.

At this time there are relatively few scientific data that indiciate what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless there is a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a feeling of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does away with jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as a possession. Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with marital sex. Most swingers believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it can strengthen a good marriage.

Swinging for most women changes their view of the world and sexual relations. Many argue that it has made a complete turn-around in their life from the way they viewed the world two or three years before swinging. In attempting to determine what causes some women to go into swinging, I have already noted that many are urged by their husbands and others go into swinging to carry out their fantasies.

Advantages

Sexual variety, sexual fulfillment, and the potential of carrying out one’s fantasies are among the advantages of swinging. Sexual excitation increases for both partners as a result of the new types of sexual experiences and there are discussions of actual sexual experiences. Women recieve a great deal of positive reinforcement; they may begin seeing themselves as more desirable.

Some swingers argue that swinging creates stronger bonds between couples. Married couples find that swinging increases their ability to communicate with each other. Many couples believe that if a married couple can discuss swinging together, they can discuss anything. Generally, swingers believe they experience individual growth and develop an ability to communicate better with other people.

Generally, swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on their marriage. About 85 percent of both husbands and wives feel that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the marjority feel their marriages have improved. Husbands in particular consistently reported a high level of marital happiness and adjustment. Apparently, swinging has had no negative effect on the sexual lives of the couples; in fact, swinging couples have sexual intercourse more frequently than the general population. More than half of the swinging couples have sex together more than four times a week as compared with only 16 percent of the general population. Many swingers reported that rather than dampening their ardor for each other, swinging often caused an arousal of sexual interest for each other. Many of them often engaged in sex together immeditely after resuming home from a swinging party.

The effects of swinging most often reported are the tollowing:

(1) Couples experienced an increased feeling of warmth, closeness, and love, often most intense immediately after swinging, when the couple got together and exchanged their experiences. This is as if the swinging experience was proof of their love.

(2) Knowledge and confidence regarding sexual technique was more fully developed.

(3) Social life was enriched and active.

(4) Couples became more open and honest with one another in all areas of their relationship.

(5) A benefit for some was that sexual behavior was taken out ot the dark and became more of a taken-for granted normal activity.

Projections

Swinging is an alternative that is emerging within the traditional structure of marriage in this country. One advantage for many people involved in swinging is that except for sexual bahavior, little change is required in major values related to the traditional family form. Swinging requires changing basic values related to monogamous sexual behavior or admitting values that are different, at least from what individuals have paid lip service to in the past. Families who swing find that except for sex related areas, it does not require substantial changes in behavioral and functional roles. There is some evidence, however, that such sexual activities sometimes require changes in how couples handle jealousy, power, and so forth in the marriage. 

by Edgar W. Butler, Ph.D.

Excerpted and edited from Dr. Butler’s book, Traditional Marriages and Emerging Alternatives, Harper & Row, 1979.